Today I would celebrate one year on the road, if Corona wouldn’t have kicked me back from India to Germany and made me pause my trip.
I have been almost one year on the road, to be exactly: 357 days.
Time past fast but regarding to what I experienced it feels like I have been traveling for years….
but nevertheless it doesn’t feel already like the end of it. It feels like there is still so much wich I need to, which I HAVE to discover and experience.
Almost one year on the road, what should I talk about.
I could mention all the country’s I have been cycling through (it have been 16 countries), could talk about people I met, countries I got to know and experiences I made.
I could talk about what I loved the most about traveling by bike and mention what I missed.
I could… but I feel like talking about something more untypical…something most of the people are afraid and kind of ashamed of.
….about a unbidden partner who has been be by my side…
(The pics are showing me in the beginning of my journey and now)
During almost one year of traveling, impressions of several aspects transformed me to the person I am right now and even changed the way I think about sharing and talking about psychology problems. I never felt brave enough and have been afraid of the reaction of each of you.
After 357 days of traveling…. I am not anymore.
Now I want to share my feelings, I want to give hope to everybody who might have a unbidden partner around as well.
I probably would have never made the decision to travel the world solo, if I wouldn’t experience depressions and therefore got the knowledge about what real danger actually means….
Deep depression have been my only serious enemy so far….
I have never been afraid of being a foreigner in different country’s. I mostly never got afraid of camping alone in the pure nature.
I never worried about having no money. I never thought about „What happens IF“.
So far I just got afraid of myself, of the symptoms of depressions and how they effected me in the past. How they made me forget about beauty of live, love and peace. How they made me forget about smiling and being happy and satisfied. How they made me forget about myself.
Almost one year of traveling, the first seven month as a solo rider, the following as a couple.
Always by my side: my depressions. I thought I made it. I thought I left them behind the moment I left my home, my friends, my everything.
Almost one year on the road. I never traveled peacefully along with my depressions before and got quite surprised when I realized they made it with me instead of staying home. To be honest… I got upset. I got angry, afraid and sad at the same time.
It took me a while to understand and to accept that I was always carrying “en plus” a huge, deep black „tissue“…. a big tissue which sometimes liked to cover me.
Me, my body, my mind, my soul…. covering me, even I wasn’t surrounded by my safety shelter anymore, it covered me even I was by myself, outside, alone.
A blaaaaack black tissue which painted everything I got to see, smell, hear, feel and taste in nothing else but black, inner darkness.
“Dark”, to me, became a feeling. “Dark”, to me, turned into an adjective, which describes my mind in the best matching way.
“It’s dark today.”
After almost one year of traveling I know that my dark days are nothing more than the opposite of a bright and shiny day. My dark days are just a bit more darker and colder than a rainy day.
Dark days during my journey have been filtering my positive emotions out of everything.
But….. My dark days are still days. I just had to learn how to deal with that, how to manage. I just needed to figure out what these days need in order to arrange them.
After almost one year of traveling I know that a dark day is just a dark day. And that it’s up to me to make the best thing out of it.
After almost one year of traveling I know that dark days are not willing to make me feel bad. Dark day’s are not willing me to forget about goodness. It’s actually the opposite. Dark days are reminding me. Dark days are reminding me of how I actually feel, which needing I have. They remind me what I should continue working on…
Working on different topics which are the reasons for letting bright days turn dark.
Yes…. after one year of traveling I do know much more than before.
And even one year ago I knew much more than six years ago, when depression kicked me the first time!
Six years ago, I didn’t now anything about it.
I got ashamed, afraid and scared.
The depression controlled me. It felt like it’s going to destroy my live, my job, my friendships, my relationship, my mind, me.
It took everything, my hope, my inner peace, my inner satisfaction….
Five years ago I was overstrained …
And I had no idea how to get out of it.
I walked a long way of therapy…. And after a while, I got to know more about it, more about me. Figured out how to deal with that. It costed me a lot of energy and I am blessed that I had good people around, taking care and supporting me.
After six years of dealing with depressions, little by little I got back control… about my feelings, my emotions, my imaginations, my mind.
I got back control, which doesn’t mean that I am sometimes still not loosing it again.
But I am sure that I might even get more into it in the future and maybe…… sometime… somehow, I will never loose control to anything again!
Traveling by bike, sleeping outside, being surrounded by nature and dealing with daily weather conditions challenged me a lot and I am pretty sure that yoga and meditation during my journey have been additional rebuilding my body and mind that much, that I lost all my anger about mostly every topic I have been afraid to talk about before.
Nature became even more magically to me. I became one with the wind, with the ground, with every being. Nature determined my everyday life.
I got up with the sun, went to bed after sunset. Have been listening to animals, trees, leaves, wood, wind, water instead of listening to music, have been watching the sea, flowers, kids, locals, landscapes instead of watching movies, instead of chatting…. Have been joined by so many lovely dogs with who I shared all these beautiful things with.
I did laundry while having a shower in lakes, in rivers, at the seaside.
I loved to brush my teeth in the morning before I continued cycling.
It helped me to get a closer connection to my inner mind and it made me understand, that there is no need for being ashamed of anything!
That there is nothing more pure than being who we are and it’s even getting more pure while being surrounded by nature.
Being surrounded by nature mades us to nature itself, doesn’t it?
WE ARE NATURE, we mostly just do not behave like that! We mostly just don’t treat ourself like nature should be treated.
We humans use to see ourself as something „more powerful“. We use to hide everything that could be used against us… just to make sure not to get vulnerable.
But getting or being vulnerable…. to me, thats nature. And thats pure! Thats real! Thats what a (human) being is about!
There have been so many upsets souls and minds crossing my way. Doesn’t mean they haven’t been happy and alright. Just means: they are dealing with depression as well, some do better, some unfortunately worse.
Depressions are everywhere in the world, and it’s mostly the same feeling and experience for everybody.
We just need to find a way out of it, a way to transform the painful and challenging journey through ourself into something beautiful, which is possible! But first of all we need to understand and to accept that it’s a journey, which needs time and all our attention!
There is no need to hide it. The more we are talking about, the less it is bothering us and facing up the real necessity’s to deal and live with that!
Somehow I am greatful for the depressions I got. Otherwise I probably would never made any of this beautiful transformations and would still be like the way I was!
Unknowing about myself.
Traveling made me thinking and feeling in a spiritual way, which to me is the solution to get out of mostly any (psychological) problem!
Great things never came from comfort zones. It need our effort, our ambition!
Almost one year on the road.
Thanks to everybody who crossed my way. Thanks to everybody who inspired me and showed me up how beautiful live can be like.
Thanks to everybody who confirmed and supported me.
Thanks to those who made me experience new feelings, new emotions, new believings.
I danced, I felt, I sung, I wrote. I read, I cooked, I talked, I listened, I whispered, I thought, I daydreamed… like I never did before.
The Corona virus paused my journey….
I have been sad and disappointed for a while. But I settled well at my brothers place (from the pure freedom to a 25qm room) and now I just try to continue the way of thinking I used to have during my journey.
I gonna keep believing in the good thinks.
I gonna keep practicing yoga, keep meditating, keep doing sports.
Of course I do miss my bike. I do miss the nature. And I do miss sleeping outside, living outside, being outside.
I do miss traveling.
And I do miss the fact that I am a foreigner and there is so much to discover around.
But in the same way I am glad being back home during such a serious and challenging episode. An scaring episode.
During this quarantine I am already planning where to travel next…
I need to discover more countries. I need to reach more destinations by my mental and physically strengtheness.
Need to cross more borders.
I need to absorb more sounds of languages.
I need to get to know more stories. About happiness and likewise about pure pain and anger.
I need to continue the journey through my inner self, which basically works the best when I am traveling, when I am cycling. Solo.
I need to. I have to.
I am waiting the borders to open and my journey to continue.
Until then I am trying to make the best thing out of it…..
I keep on transforming, like the nature does.
I keep on being vulnerable, like everybody of us does. Corona is showing us up how vulnerable each of us actually is!
Facing something whats scares us is always offering two options. Getting more into fear and panic or making the best thing out of it and welcoming a chance of transformation!
Which way are you going to choose?!
Its up to you!